Epiphany...

Why does a night of cheap vodka always end with me hunched naked in a corner of darkness, clutching 9 inches of razor sharp, unforgiving, cold steel, uttering oaths of bloody murder and promises of sworn vengeance through clenched teeth? The world may never know.

Last night's nightmare..

Man, What the FUCK?!
The whole thing revolved around a mother and her little boy, aged 4 or 5.
He was a special needs kid, and they were constantly going to stores, arcades, kiddie places..
At first it was all fine and dandy, he was a pain in the ass constantly, but she was tolerant and loving. As the nightmare progressed, he started to get more annoying and out of hand. They went sightseeing at this pacific northwest nexus of forest realities. The vortices for each dimension were called "Glasspaws" and when you walked through them, you were in a different forested area that looked like any one of a thousand larger than life postcard scenes.
At the end of the nightmare, they came home from one such outing. The kid was screaming and being the most annoying he possibly could. The mother looked frazzled and disheveled. Her nerves were clearly fried at this point, and she was pulling hair out by the tens of strands. She had picked, scratched and pinched several sores onto her arms and around her lips.
Suddenly, she grabbed the boy by the legs, dashed his head against the corner of the hallway. He screamed the most godawful combination of human child and unknown tortured animal I have ever heard. After 3 or 4 good massive blows, he was quiet. She was raving, talking gibberish and half crying intermittently. She held his ruined, bloody head to her face and started kissing it and licking the oozing brain matter out from the ruptured skull and matted, displaced hair.
Then she started to dig in to the mess with her teeth, chewing and swallowing chunks of her son's brain, scalp and hair.. crying and keening in a horrible high pitch.
The boy seemed to wake up then.. he said "I love you mommy" "I love you mommy" over and over again like a broken talking doll whose sound chip is damaged and doesn't sound quite right..
the loop abnormal and altering in pitch and timing. She was crying hysterically then, but she didn't stop eating.
That's when I woke up. Took me damned near an hour to get back to sleep.

Smarter than a lot of humans I know..

There are still things to be scared of.

Locked-in syndrome is a condition in which a patient is aware and awake, but cannot move or communicate due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body except for the eyes. It is the result of a brain stem lesion in which the ventral part of the pons is damaged. The condition has been described as "the closest thing to being buried alive". In French, the common term is "maladie de l'emmuré vivant", literally translated as walled-in alive disease; in German it is sometimes called "Eingeschlossensein".^[1]

Locked-in syndrome is also known as cerebromedullospinal disconnection,^[2] de-efferented state, pseudocoma,^[3] and ventral pontine syndrome.

The term for this disorder was coined by Plum and Posner in 1966

Too much CSI...

I was downtown with some friends Thursday night walking around. At some point I lost my pocket knife but don't recall when or where. I've carried this knife for 3 years, every single day, every time I leave the house. It's a Kershaw Scallion. Blade is 2.25 inches long. Good little knife. Looked for it at home, my friend looked at her house to no avail.
Then I start worrying that some methhead is going to pick it up and use it on somebody. It's highly unlikely that this would happen, and the blade is tiny, but this is how my brain works. Today I called the cops to explain this and at least maybe have it on record that I lost it on Thursday, a description of the knife, etc.. The cop was actually laughing at me. He said "can it be traced back to you?" I said, well, I'm fairly certain my prints are on it. More laughing. "Sir, I'm not going to take any of this down.. if it were a wallet, I'd report it. Thank you, goodbye!"
This should have nullified my concern, but it doesn't. I don't think I'll carry a knife anymore unless I'm in the woods.

Nightmares...

I had a FUCKED nightmare last night. I've been having several a week for the past few months. I guess my mind has some serious shit to work out. Hope it's working because some of this stuff is more horrid than I could dream up even when I was writing gore metal lyrics.

I dreamt that my jaw worked in such a way that I began scraping the roof of my mouth with my bottom row of teeth, gouging away furrows of soft palate tissue, chewing and swallowing it.
The flesh looked and tasted like corned beef, and I kept chewing it away and eating it with no regard to my health. After awhile, the tissue was damaged to the extent that my top row of teeth was wobbly and barely held in place by the roots. By then it was too late. My teeth and mouth were ruined and there was nothing left to chew or eat either. Double loss.

Then I dreamed I had caught a spider and a hornet. I tortured them by dropping them in a cup of gasoline and would fish them out before they died, so I could keep doing it. I thought to myself "If they get away and live, they'll want revenge." Then they did get away, and I was scared, but resigned myself to whatever fate they had in mind because I realized "I deserve this."

I'm glad my subconscious thinks of this shit, because I don't want to. The bad news is, I have the capacity to remember all the fucked details anyway. It's interesting, but a bit scary to me.
I'm hoping my subconscious in it's supposed wisdom will sort this all out before it drives me insane.

Locked doors without handles or hinges..

It's strange how a person can go most of their life thinking everything is rational, manageable and that most 

things will have a positive outcome. Then one day you do something or experience something that shows you horrible things and causes you to experience fear beyond anything you ever thought possible. You see something that tears open reality to spill out the most awful visions and rips your consciousness away from your ego, your body, your self, your awareness. You begin to realize that everything you fear and those things you find most horrible and unthinkable exist in your own brain. These thoughts and things are contained behind doors that you were never meant to open... things forgotten with good reason, things you were never meant to see or see again. 

I was watching "Deadliest catch" recently. In the cargo holds of crab ships, there are boards that divide the crab catch into parallel sections so that when the ship hits rough seas, the crabs won't pile onto and crush each other, causing them to release a toxin killing those around them. The doors in your mind are somewhat like this, protecting you from yourself in a sense. An engine as powerful and capable as the human brain cannot be left to contemplate unchecked. Once certain doors are opened, it is possible they can not be closed again. Things suppressed from childhood, sickening memories, thoughts so terrible that they corrode sanity, ideas that could become dangerous. The brain has the potential to be an unequaled machine of dark purpose.

There is a positive side effect. When you return from being completely stripped of your ego, being made to think you are going to die alone and horribly and being made to fear far beyond normal thresholds, you begin to appreciate life more than you ever have before. It's a perfect demonstration of high contrast. Death, no hope, intense fear, and then reaffirmation of life, hope, dreams, consciousness, return to control. 

Some of that horrible fear stays with you though, and I have found it quite hard to ignore. Some things can't be unseen or forgotten... some doors can never be closed once opened. It is possible to see too much, and many of us carry this deadly cache of harmful thoughts and memories locked away in our own minds like old, forgotten ordnance, unstable and waiting to explode with the right stimulus or trigger.

Bleaky McBroodington...