Alcohol River Dream

I lost my skin, over and over again.. wading through the river of life, looking for my mind.
Sometimes, I think I've found it, but it usually turns out to be a crude facade.. a poor bas relief of a brain mould
that crumbles into dust, that disappears into nothingness.
When I find it, I try to hold on tight, but it's slippery in the rushing water. The water is oily. it is in fact pure oil.
While I grasp it, I try to clean it by scrubbing it on the smooth, brightly colored stones that comprise the river bed.
a rainbow cobblestones of glistening gems and jewels, vitrified and glowing with some strange inner light that might indicate life force.
My mind is a rubbery cheeseburger.. elastic and bouncy. Elusive and nearly intangible. Rubbery but ungraspable. I ply it
and massage it, taking note of the striations, ripples, veins, fibrous pulpy mass of electrical nonsense.. "Give it a
good scrub, and douse it with 90% iso alcohol.. kills the germs" my Father used to tell me. The Alcohol pools nearby offer
easy rinsing, and I almost get it back in my head, but it slips out of my grasp again. "FUCK!"
As it turns out, Having held it for just fractions of seconds is somehow enough to scrape out an existence. I never hold it for even a full second,
but if you add up all the partial seconds over time, it's enough for a life. just enough.

The more you know...

The more you know, the more you want to know. 

The more you want to know, the more you’ll want to keep living, so you can learn more.. to enrich your experiences, as well as those of your loved ones and all who are in your sphere of influence.

The more things you think, do or try, the more you have lived. 

Failure does not mean it is over. 

Failure is only part of the catalyst we humans use as a solvent for problems, but just as essential as accomplishnment. To illustrate, consider the way we are inactive physically while asleep, inconsequential to the waking world, behind the veil of sleep..yet sleep is an integral piece of our health. A vital necessity of our existence.

I haven't posted in awhile haha. I only chose this pic because I'm drunk and couldn't find the other on this stupid chromebook. This may sound like new age bullshit, but whatever.. It helps me. When I am in pain, or lonely, or feel like the world will end.. which happens often nowadays. I tell my body what I want it to do. If I'm feeling panicked, I tell myself to calm. If I'm feeling pain, I tell that part of my body to heal, heal, heal.. When I'm going to sleep, I tell my body to "rest, heal, rest, heal." It's simple and sounds dumb, but it works. try it or don't. I don't give a fuck. It helped me.

Breaking roots and growing new ones someplace else.

My whole sentient life seems like it has been a neverending series of instances where I realize that I'm a few cunt hairs away from one negative extreme or another. Is that what my life is? just fending off disaster day to day? Every time someone pisses me off or gets in my business for no reason I have to decide yes or no. Do I "yes" knee-jerk and immediately beat on their face until it becomes concave? or do I continue living with little or no incident.. repeating the cycle every day, several times a day until I'm too weak to be able to decide? It makes you wonder.. if every human on this earth dealt with their anger immediately instead of repressing, would it be better or worse? There would certainly be less people, as a matter of course.. that in itself would be better for whatever population remained as well as the planet and everything else that lives on it. The world would be a very violent place for awhile, but the populace would be weaned, and those left would be forced to think very differently about everything. Wouldn't that be better than a massively bloated population of sentient beings who delude and constrain themselves everyday to fit into society.. a construct.. an artificial institution that erodes nature in virtually every capacity. When you think the same for too long.. even to preserve a seemingly harmonious society, your mindset stagnates. Sometimes, doing something different, even if it hurts or seems destructive.. is all that can save the life of whatever that enduring thought was created to protect. Sometimes breaking the pattern is ultimately more important than the pattern itself.

Waking thoughts

First thing I thought of when waking up this morning was: Everything alive on this earth is dying. Life begets life.. and on and on.. but each generation is weaker than the last. Each generation benefits from less minerals, less oxygen, more corruption, pollution, contamination and erosion. dysfunction, mutation, deviation, derision.. increasingly aggressive and deadly, evolving pathogens. Poisonous "medicines", stress, population bloat, societal "ideals". We spend our entire lives carving out a sliver of time in which to enjoy life.. and by that time, we're climbing into the grave. In the end, everything that lives succumbs to corruption.. be it organic, societal or financial. If it relates to humans.. all three. I thought of all that... and then I went back to sleep.

Fuck Nowadays Halloween.

You know what? I don't fucking like Halloween. I realize that may be a shock because I like horror movies, demons, jackolanterns, bats, etc.. First off.. I don't like children. I don't buy candy, I don't answer the door, I don't wear costumes. The last costume I wore was a Terminator costume in grade school. I think Halloween caters to the whole "LOOK AT MEE!!!!" mentality that is already an everyday mode for too many people in the first place. I also hate how it has become so mainstream.. and like fireworks, which I also hate.. it's a way for society to make death and evil "safe" and "fun".. in effect, to try to downplay or nullify the severity and serious nature of those things so it's fun for the whole family. FUCK that shit. This mentality has gotten so out of hand that there are zombie proms and group zombie walks now.. dumbest fucking thing ever. When you nerf something extreme down over decades.. it loses all it's allure and significance and becomes boring, predictable and milktoast like every other goddamned thing. I dunno.. I've almost always hated all holidays anyhow.. maybe because they have all become commercialized. You always have to buy something.. candy, turkey, presents, flowers, chocolates, etc.. and the only tradition being honored truthfully at this point is that corporations get paid every year. The whole phenomenon makes me fucking ill. Like I said, I LOVE horror movies and dark subject matter, but I don't enjoy what society has done with those things I guess. Meh, maybe I'm just a miserable old bastard. Maybe?

1:07AM musing

There are few things more satisfying in this world than dialing in a high end piece of machinery to your perceived level of perfection.. It's about as close to perfect as anything that does not occur naturally can possibly get.